Telling

Was reading back over old journal entries last night, and I found one that I find especially applicable to myself at this moment. Maybe I know myself better than I thought:

..I realized today that I struggle with discipline (which I always knew), but that because I feel so frustrated and bored at being disciplined, I'm actually squeezing God out instead of a leaving a space for Him to fill and dwell. All He asks of me is to rest - which is why He created me with such a penchant for solitude. And failure to rest is the worst weapon I use against myself and my God. It throws my whole universe off balance. And not just bodily rest, but spiritual, emotional, and mental rest. Peace. Quietude...

I'm leaving for Kenya on Friday morning. I'm feeling grateful. Still have some mixed feelings about it, but I'd rather take this emotional (and otherwise) risk than not.

Was also advised today that I need to grieve my trip to Swaziland (or lack thereof). I think this is probably somewhat true. Although I don't believe there is waste in God's economy, it truly was a loss.

Prayer is appreciated.